Couples Therapy

Couples frequently come to therapy during a crisis, or after the relationship has become distant and has been working poorly for a long time, and desperation or despair has set in. I see two essential aspects of working with couples:

• Improving communication, satisfaction, and working towards better functioning as a couple. These are typically presenting goals, and very important. In many cases, this can begin to improve within a matter of weeks or a few months.

• Helping both members of the couple heal and grow in their own right, making use of the special opportunities available in the context of a long-term relationship. This can be a very rewarding shared experience. One way of looking at relationships and what attracts people to one another, is that they are chosen to activate and help heal one another's existing wounds. In a well-functioning relationship, both partners are motivated to support each other's growth as a person. If we can activate and facilitate this in couples therapy, it can be very powerful.

Some of the important elements in couples therapy include slowing down, examining interaction patterns, and learning to listen better by coaching and demonstration. In some cases, there is a need to honestly re-evaluate commitment to the relationship. There are often secrets or near-secrets that have been held for a long time, have a lot of emotional energy attached, and need to be brought into the light with support.

Often one of the partners feels more strongly that there is a need for therapy. In the beginning, it may be unknown whether both partners will engage in therapy. Sometimes both partners are able to engage and it becomes productive, but on occasion only one partner ends up working with me individually. It is often possible to support change in the relationship even if only one of the partners is coming to therapy.